To see things in a different light

Wellington

A couple of months ago, I walked into my boss' office and told him I would be leaving at the end of the year. Like anyone when they resign, there was a mixture of sadness and excitement. Am I making the right call? Should I be doing this? It was with mixed feelings that I let people know, and began the process of winding down one life and preparing for another.

Whilst the events of the future will decide whether I made the 'right call' or not, I want to take this opportunity to share a few insights, and reflect on the past year. Whether this is for my own benefit, or the benefit of others, well, you can be the judge of that.

Followers of this blog (which I daresay, I can count on one hand), will be familiar with our Filipino adventures, as well as the various forms of reflection both in and around the trip. The main reason, other than documenting the trip, was to 'track' the emotional and spiritual changes occurring within myself, and understand how reflection and insight on past experiences can lead to a more meaningful future. And sometimes I find it useful, as I swing between emotional highs and lows, to go back to the groundwork and examine what it is that I really care about.

 

It was earlier in the year - after a few milestones had been ticked off and that sort of thing - that I began thinking about what I would like to do next. The options were simple - stay where I am, leave Wellington, or leave New Zealand.

As I walked the streets with this decision (and there needed to be a decision), something strange started to happen. The familiar streets and buildings began to assume a life of their own. Cafe's and bars started to hum with a character I'd never noticed before. Nature whistled in the wind like a passing whisper. I felt like I was seeing everything for the very first time. Even though I'd spent a lifetime in these places, I stopped seeing them as my hangouts, my places, but instead as places of their own life and character, of which I was merely a visitor. The familiar became the unfamiliar. It was like I could let go of who I was, my biases, my distortions, my perceptions, and look at people and things as they really were.

Something else started to happen too. I started to see people in a different light. With the prospect of me leaving to another part of the world, I began thinking about all the people I cared about, and how I felt about them. It no longer became necessary to keep that guard up, to shield and shelter my emotions and to forget what all these people really meant to me. It's hard to keep up of course, and often it's buried deep in the bustle and activity of everyday life, but it's there, beating away. 

 

Eddie Vedder, the lead singer of Pearl Jam, said that leaving his friend's funeral helped him:

 

"...realise what a gift this is, to be alive...When you leave that funeral, that drive is as important as any single stretch of road you'll travel on. You've got a renewed appreciation for life. And I think that feeling can last through the day, through the week, but then things start getting back to normal and you start taking this living and breathing and eating thing for granted. I think that song is there to remind you, 'This is that feeling'....^[1]

 

Of course, life is tough. There are endless amounts of challenges, hardships, hassles, difficulties, stresses, pressures, tragedies, and more often than not, just the daily grind of life. All those things that make life what it is. For every negative feeling, I like to think there is an equal and opposite positive feeling. Every hardship ultimately takes you to heights you have never before been. Our hearts grow stronger, not weaker. We can recover from whatever battering we might take.

 

If you can try and wake up every day, and be thankful and grateful for what you have, and foster that spirit inside that life really is a gift, then maybe you will begin to see things in a different light.

 

And there it was - the decision. What Eddie Vedder called the "renewed appreciation for life" could only be achieved by new experiences, fresh challenges, and the reclaiming of that spirit of adventure. There couldn't be awareness, an understanding, without the desire to push myself and explore new boundaries. There needed to be a break from my past life to truly understand what that past life meant. You come to realise too, that home isn't in places and things, it's inside of you, beating away every minute of every day, in and amongst the people around you - from old friends to new acquaintances, in the familiar walls of your home town to the farthest flung corners of the earth. You stop searching, and come to see what's right in front of you as your true home. It's always there, renewing and refreshing itself, passing and flowing between old lives and new. It's a new day, a new spirit.

 

Time will tell if the grind of big city living will leave this spirit intact. But at least I know one thing. I've felt that spirit, and no matter what, I will never forget it. There will be times, no doubt, when I lose it. When that happens, I'll just have to search deeper to find it again. I know it will be there.

 

I want to ask you one final question. One I posed as the very first line to this long journey we have shared. It is a question that ultimately tests our commitment to life, and our ability to share in thoughts and feelings. It is wrapped up in you and me, and the everyday experiences we have shared. It is simply...

Do we understand each other?

Epilogue

There is a next chapter to all of this. Of course there is a next chapter. The road takes us to India, Myanmar (Burma) - and beyond. I'll run two blogs. The first will be a light-hearted, funny, events-based blog, detailing all our adventures. The second will be a more introspective, deeper and emotional blog, the type written in moments of quiet and poignancy at the end of a long day. I'll leave it to you as to which one you follow.

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¹ Hiatt, Brian (2006-06-16). "The Second Coming of Pearl Jam". Rolling Stone. Retrieved 2007-06-22.